


Things Are Better If I Stay

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, SPN has taken over the tags, Suicide Attempt, This fic is so, While adding these tags I realized something, Wow, anyway, i'm sorry everyone, it's seriously painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 07:00:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5958004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's breaking, Cas is gone. It's not a good time to be a Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Cas.. Cas please..."

Dean held the former angel to him, his grip gentle. "Please.. I need you."  
He could feel the blood flowing from Cas's wounds, but didn't try to mend them because he knew it was too late. Sam had called an ambulance, but he doubted it would get there in time. "Hold on for me, Cas. Just a little longer, okay?" Dean murmured softly. "Just a little longer..."

He looked at Sam, a desperate look on his face as if his brother could fix everything. He shook his head sadly, moving to kneel beside him. "Dean.." Cas was struggling to talk now, sounding so heartbreakingly desperate that the sound of his voice alone brought Dean to tears again. "I... I..." There was a deafening silence, and Dean couldn't feel Cas's breaths anymore.

They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die, but that's just an assumption. All Cas felt was darkness closing in on him, and the sound of Dean's voice was all he heard, just as incomprehensible as the world was blurry. Regrets washed over him, consuming him until he was nothing. Until he blacked out. Until he was gone. "Cas! No, no you can't leave me, you can't.." 

 

The sound of sirens was faint now, growing louder and accompanying Dean's violent sobbing. Sam had wrapped an arm around him, trying to console his brother. Trying to stay strong. "I loved him, Sam... I loved him." "I know, I know... I'm sure Cas knew, too..." That was a lie, though. Cas thought Dean hadn't felt the same, and that's why he never tried to say those three words until then, when the desperation had taken control and there was nothing more important than Dean knowing.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a month. An entire month since..

Dean brushes the thought off. He was too sober to handle it. It had been like this since three days after, when the realization hit him, just Dean completely drowning his grief in alcohol over and over. 

He had stopped telling himself that Cas would come home tomorrow, one more day, or maybe next week. There was no denying it: He was gone. And Dean was determined to not feel a thing. 

A few more empty bottles join the many others, and the oldest Winchester begins to feel it take hold. Things don't hurt as much, and he can say Cas's name now, while he's not thinking clearly, because reality doesn't apply here. Everything's okay, now. Everything's okay....

Sam knew he should say something, maybe make Dean try to cope another way, but it seemed to be working for him. It was the glue holding him together. He's seen Dean slip into a peaceful haze before, and it really does seem to help. He's heard his brother say Cas's name.

"Just leave him alone. He's in pain." Sam mutters to himself, going to his room. There was research to do, anyway. Might as well let Dean have his time. Let him drown it out. 

They both knew it would end the same way it had for almost an entire month. Dean would drink until he passed out, and Sam would collect the bottles. He would tell Dean "No more drinking... Or at least not that much." Dean would nod and fall back asleep, knowing that it was a lie, knowing he would do the same thing again and again. Sam knew it, too, but there wasn't much he could do. He had hit his breaking point.

Dean's mind wandered, reflecting on the past. It was funny how memories came bubbling up to the surface in times like this: Sharp like broken glass, glinting with the pain of loss. 

Cas had gotten into all the music Dean didn't like, and the two were always trying to get the other into their favorite genera. 

For a while, Cas would have nightmares, and always ended up in Dean's bed. 

His bed was cold and lonely without Cas. 

Winter came faster than Dean had wanted, the leaves deteriorating just as he seemed to be. His emotions were breaking him, wearing him down just like water does to walls of rock.

They are always there, and sometimes they'll fade, coming back in strong waves that threaten to take him with them, out into the vast oblivion of the sea. He thought about Castiel every moment of his life. Even in the nighttime he thought of him, his nightmares keeping him from a peaceful sleep. 

It was one of those nightmares that completely shattered Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry..
> 
> *not


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean isn't coping so well, you guys.

The sirens wailed, and Dean couldn't stop himself from crying, tightening his grip on Cas's lifeless body because he still couldn't fathom how it was possible. This time, he was alone. That's the one thing that changes. He was alone and no one was there to tell him that it was okay, even though that was a lie. 

He awoke with a jolt, sobbing violently. This was it. This was the last time.

He had always felt so empty, so hollow, so.... Broken, that it would be a relief. Dean stands up and goes to the bathroom, opening the cabinet. It would be sweet oblivion, finally healing the wounds that have hurt him for so long. There's aspirin, various other painkillers, and sleeping pills. How nice would it be, to just be done... He picks up the painkillers, holding them with shaking hands.

Not now. Not while there were things to do....

He picks up a pen and finds some paper. It took a moment to figure out what he was going to write. 

"Sam, 

I know you're reading this and you're probably pissed, or sad. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm sorry. I hope you understand.

-Dean"

He set the note on the nightstand and sighed. This was it. He picked up the bottle of pills again, pouring a handful out. His thoughts wandered to Sam for a moment, imagining how he would react, and he almost changed his mind. He looks down at the pills, took a deep breath, and-


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is actually not painful to read/ for me to write.

The door opens suddenly, and Sam looked straight at Dean, taking a few seconds to understand his intentions. "Sam, I..." "Don't." He says softly, sitting down next to Dean. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Sammy, I'm sorry.." Tears were streaming down his cheeks. Sam takes the pills from Dean, setting them down on the night stand, right next to the bottle. "Never again, alright?" Sam pulled Dean to him. He was still apologizing. "Shh... It's okay, Dean.."

Suddenly, the world faded, and Dean wasn't sure if he was awake or not. The feeling only lasted for a second before he fell asleep.

After what felt like hours, he woke up in a hospital room. "Dean!" Wait a second. That voice... It was Cas's. That wasn't possible, was it? "Cas.. You- You're.." He stood up, taking Dean's hand. "I'm what?" Dean smiles. "You're alive.." "What? Dean.. I've been alive. I didn't die... Well, recently anyway.." "What're you talking about?" Castiel sighs, glancing over at Sam. "You were knocked out a few days ago and.. Didn't wake up until now." Dean looks up at Cas, trying to process everything. "No. No, it's been months..." A few seconds passed, silence filling the empty air. Dean pulled Cas to him and kissed him deeply. "I love you.. I love you, Cas.." "I love you too, Dean." Cas murmured.

It took a few days, but Dean was finally allowed to go home. During the car ride, he told Sam and Castiel everything that happened, and they filled him in on reality.

They didn't want to do anything while Dean was in the hospital, so there wasn't much to say about hunting. There were, however, a few things that made Dean wish he had been awake even more than he already had, especially the fact that Cas learned to drive with no damage done to the impala. (Even though there were many, many incidents where he almost crashed, of course.) 

 

They soon returned to their normal lives of saving people and hunting things. They all lived happily ever after.


End file.
